You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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