walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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