Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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