Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
