I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
