piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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