i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
