mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
