Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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