i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
