He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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