You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
