So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
