Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
