made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
