and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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