she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize