Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
