oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
