MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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