If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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