Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's the barista slut.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
