my phone needs a breathalizer
i just google imaged poop.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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