Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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