I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
