In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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