I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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