Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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