man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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