READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
