I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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