My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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