i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
