My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
