one word: firstdatebathroomanal
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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