the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
