I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
