2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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