Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
