if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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