I wish I only lived at night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
