my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The power of my boobs compel you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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