I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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