the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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