Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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