I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize