There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
