Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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