I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
