then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I sprained my soul last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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