What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
