I cannot find my penis.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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