what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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