do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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