I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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