Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
