Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
