this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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